I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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