non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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