Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
