I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
