I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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