you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
