Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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