So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I wish there were birth control emojis
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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