I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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