dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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