I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
