Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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