Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize