That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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