She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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