just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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