i love accidental penises.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
