ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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