i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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