I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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