you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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