How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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