Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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