Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
