Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
