just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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