i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
