lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize