One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
