Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
is that a dick in a sweater?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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