He had one of those small greek statue penises
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
