this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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