My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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