so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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