She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
