i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
