i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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