Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
