I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Randomize
