I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
