I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
