why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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