I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
