Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
