You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize