Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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