It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
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