I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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