I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
