I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
