That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
