the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
