and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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