you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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