recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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