Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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