So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
