On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
