Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
