I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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