I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
